Sunday, November 16, 2008

Project Me

I am in the process of trying to save myself...from my current self. This is Project Me. Or Project Self-Love. Which ever.

My mental health is not in a state that I am wanting for myself. In fact, my mental health is a huge wreck right now. I repress all emotions to the point where I don't feel anything except anger, numbness and homesickness. I don't talk about my feelings. I don't talk in general. I think I am emotionally abusive towards my girlfriend. I am generally never happy. I am not motivated to do things I know I enjoy. I feel disconnected from people I respect and like. I am incredibly judgemental and bitter towards people around me. I want other people to be unhappy too. I focus on the "bad" side of people and not the "good." I don't take care of my emotions. I've been burying them so deep inside of me for my entire life that they are erupting now in a way that I don't know how to deal with.

Basically, I have turned into a really fucking scary monster that I no longer recognize myself. And it fucking scares me and completely freezes me up from being able to do anything productive.

And I've decided I need to do something about it.

These are some realistic steps I'm going to implement in my life:
1. making those counseling appointments I've been meaning to do since forever ago
2. re-read all about love by bell hooks
3. writing at least once a day
4. talking to Corrie about the way she takes active steps in becoming the person she wants to be
5. talking to Rose about race and culture and how that totally fucks you up because you feel totally alone in a sea of people who don't understand you
6. actively talking myself through times when I feel angry and hateful
7. going out with friends at least twice a week
8. finish reading that article on anxiety
9. starting a "your turn" notebook with Maria
10. being more brave and meeting new people
11. doing at least one thing that I like once a day

I am starting to do something for myself.

And it's the biggest, most important, scariest thing I have ever had to do.

No comments: